Presence Matters

March 10, 2012

Continuing with our topic of the week, a colleague asked me to comment on how to distinguish grief that is your own vs. grief you may be absorbing from working with or treating people who are grieving. Here is what I know about this.

When I first began to do my inner work with my own grief it was “an unknown” part of me – it was in my shadow. Other people’s grief, if it was resonating at the same frequency as my own unconscious grief, would trigger my grief. Kind of like tuning forks on the same pitch setting each other to humming, only in this case, we are speaking about emotional resonance rather than pitch resonance. Since I was often not aware that I was carrying any grief (remember it was in my shadow), I would often end up thinking that I was feeling the other person’s grief, and even thought they were “doing it to me” – as in, “You made me cry with your story!” The only way I know to learn to distinguish this is to explore and know your own grief. Bring it into conscious awareness so when it shows up in any given situation you recognize it as yours.

Another way that someone else’s grief can be absorbed into your system unknowingly is if you are tired, run-down, ill, or empty when you are trying to hold space for someone else’s grieving process. When the container of your being is more empty than full, it can become like a vacuum and end up soaking up their grief in an attempt to hold a space for them. In that case you walk away feeling almost as bad or worse than they do. The only answer for this issue is to know how to assess when your “container” is empty or partially full. Be honest with yourself about how you are feeling, so you can know when you need to replenish yourself. Always do this before trying to help someone else.

More on all of this later.

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