Presence Matters

Northern Virginia is awash in blossoming peonies of all colors – this spring’s crop seems particularly abundant. As we drove out to Leesburg yesterday, there were entire fence lines of the huge lush blossoms, hanging low as their strong slender stems valiantly struggled to support them.

I love the contrast of their subtle scent and their outrageous size and beauty. When they start to bloom something in me knows that spring has officially crossed a threshold. They make me smile.

For years I have tried to “help” mine with what I saw as “the annual struggle to stand up straight” – so their blossom-faces can smile up at the sun rather than being bowed over as though searching for something they lost on the ground. And each year the ones in my yard do stand a little straighter for a while – reaching a little taller with the help of my modified tomato cages. But in the end, those gorgeous huge blossoms seem to feel more comfortable curving back toward the earth. Hmmm…

Yesterday I got it. I can let go of this crusade. The peonies are exquisitely beautiful just as they are. And I can enjoy them just the way they are, faces up or down. I have a soft white peony bush. Then there are the pale pink and the deeper rose colored ones. They are all fabulous. I think I‘ll quit writing and go out in my yard – allow myself to drink them in – loving them just the way they are.

Enjoy!

Yesterday was my day to reflect on what motherhood means to me… it began early as I woke up my 6’3” son and remembered how it felt to hold him as a newborn… as I chatted with my daughter at college… as I called my mom to begin her Mother’s Day by reminding her that I love her and wished she were here… as my wonderful husband prepared a delicious brunch that I shared with two women friends who have been at the core of my extended family throughout my 22 years as a mother. Each of them has a special place in the hearts of my children. One helped in the labor and delivery of both children. The other has been an active aunt, helping my daughter in numerous ways across the years. Then I got to catch up with another dear friend who has been like a second mom to my son. Across the day, I weaved the web of connection in my life by extending love and appreciation to those who have stood by me as I have done my best to mother my children.

Motherhood – it has many facets and is not for the faint of heart. I have never felt such tenderness and love, or such fear for another person’s safety. It has been one of the most fulfilling things I have done so far in my life. It has stretched me in ways I would never have thought possible – painfully as times  - yet I am more whole, more capable, and more able to meet my life because of what I have experienced while weaving this web of life for these two exquisite souls who are my children.

Tenderness and toughness are required for good mothering, and they go hand in hand. Tenderness – that steady gaze of unconditional love combined with warm nurturing touch – is what feeds healthy emotional beings. Yet, extending only tenderness when firmness is appropriate, and the outcome is children who don’t understand healthy boundaries. Too much toughness leaves children with no sense of nurturing connection, no richness to feed their relationships. So I have done my best to extend both deep love and tenderness as well as a solid, grounded presence to my children. Time will tell if the balance I am offering is right for them. None of us do it perfectly, so I am sure I will hear about it later. And, that’s okay too.

To me, motherhood is ultimately about the web of life. Mothering (men do it too – did I mention that my husband created a fabulous brunch for us?) is the role of weaving together relationships – which make up the container that holds our lives, cradling us and giving us the emotional support we need to survive and thrive.

This web-weaving role is of vital importance in our world today. Its absence underlies many difficulties – personal and societal. Its presence offers immense rewards to all of us.

May we remember the gift of mothering everyday as we love and honor those who have loved us, and teach our children about the importance of these life-giving connections.

And, enjoy!