Presence Matters

While teaching a recent class, a student pulled me aside, clearly feeling anxious as she told me, “I can’t stay in this class!” 

When I asked her what was going on, she said that when other people in the class started processing their feelings, she felt overwhelmed. She’d recently taken the Healing From the Core: Grounding and Healthy Boundaries course, so I knew she had the basic skills to deal with what was going on. For some reason, she just wasn’t using them. I was curious about why. 

As we talked a bit more I discovered that unless she was actually thinking about them, her boundaries were virtually non-existent. Her default stance in life was to be helpful to those around her by being a human vacuum cleaner for any uncomfortable feelings anyone was having in her vicinity.  

She was a woman who was carrying a lot. At home she’d figured out how to manage her boundaries one person at a time. But on a bad day in her practice, if too many clients expressed emotions, she’d get wiped out.  

Now she found herself in this class with multiple people learning to deal with emotions in a healthier way. But her default stance left her overwhelmed. No matter what new skills she learned or books she read, as long as her default stance underneath those skills and knowledge was to automatically take on and carry the woes of those around her, she was headed for burn out.  

Please understand, I’m assigning no blame here. The brain works in amazing ways. If we had to consciously think about everything we do, we’d be paralyzed. So certain actions happen on autopilot.  

In her case, as for so many of us, her default stance had originated long ago in a dysfunctional family situation that was out of control. Being a sensitive, empathic child, she soaked up the pain to keep the peace, and she did that until it was so much a part of her psyche, she didn’t even think about it anymore. She was no longer conscious of it at all. 

Like the default font that automatically shows up when you open a word document on your computer whether you like it or not, a default stance shows up when you are living on autopilot. It’s what you do before you even think about it – your knee-jerk response.  

To change your default stance, you need to bring it into your conscious awareness, make a new choice, and take a healthier action until the habit, the default stance, has been extinguished.   

So my anxious student began by using her skills of grounding and filling to steady her system. Her anxiety subsided. She stayed conscious of her default stance so she could choose healthier boundaries. Again and again, throughout the next three days of the course, she reclaimed her power to choose how her boundaries were operating.  

I reminded her as the class went on that she was only responsible for her own process. She gave herself permission to stay inside her navigational system (her body) and deal with her own emotions, leaving everyone else to process their own stuff. She had to remind herself repeatedly not to vacuum up the emotions in the room.  

Now the skills she’d learned in the Healing From the Core: Grounding and Healthy Boundaries course began to kick in and work for her. She had to give it a lot of conscious attention, but she was happy with the results. 

Her situation isn’t unusual in the healthcare field. She just did it to a higher degree than I normally see. The truth is, we all operate from default stances in many areas of our lives. But understanding your default stance is particularly important to your ability to be an excellent therapist. 

Do you know what your default stance is? Find out by answering the questions below. Look to your recent actions. Don’t judge yourself, just notice. Many automatic responses are fine. It just helps to be conscious of them so you can choose something different if you need to for your health and well-being. 

What is your automatic response to someone in need?

1. Do you start to extend yourself before you even think about it?

2. Do you feel like you don’t have a choice in extending yourself? In other words, do you feel like it’s your “job” to extend yourself?

3.Do you wall off in some way? For instance, do you put white light around yourself or put up an energetic shield?

4.Do you psychically recoil or run? Maybe you physically stay in the room and look like you’re present while you’re actually a long distance away.

5.Do you become a human vacuum cleaner, sucking up all the pain in the room? You’d know this because you’d feel the pain of the person in need in a visceral, unpleasant way. You may not even be able to let go of the pain without great effort.

6.Do you have some other creative way of separating yourself energetically from this person in need? 

Once you answer these boundary questions, assess your default stance in this crucial area. You may want to reread my previous blog called “Helping Out in Heathrow Airport.” It shows you how I’ve learned to check in with myself before consciously choosing to extend a helping hand. This has been a learning process for me as well. It’s a complex issue, but well worth the time and attention. 

This could be the beginning of a new day for you. You don’t have to continue to operate from an automatic reflex that drains you. Take the time to make the changes you need. If you’d like help, consult the Healing From the Core audio series for the skills to begin making this change. Then attend a Healing From the Core: Grounding and Healthy Boundaries course.  I have also just completed a book with CD (that’s why you haven’t heard from me in almost 2 months!) that is all about having a healthy presence with others - how to have healthy boundaries. So stay tuned in future blogs for how to order it.

By practicing the techniques you’ll learn here you can change your life, your energy level – and your access to more joy!