Presence Matters

That day I was brimming over with ideas from the class I had just finished teaching, my house was shouting for attention, and life was full, so I could easily have kept the “fired up” pace. I also know that I would have paid for it later, having taught straight through for the last five days.

Several summers ago I was at Esalen Institute teaching and a well-known writer showed up for a week of R & R. One afternoon about halfway through his stay, we got into a conversation about his self-care. Turns out he was getting two massages per day. When someone else incredulously asked him why he scheduled two massages everyday for a week, he smiled and answered, “Well, three felt a little excessive.”

But when we got to talking seriously about his choice to do this, his experiences paralleled something I have found to be true for myself as well.

He said that when he first gets on the table his mind is still usually cluttered with the to-do list. Whatever worries are in his life will chatter away even though he consciously wants to relax.

Then, if the therapist is skilled and present, and the connection is a good one, something magical starts to happen. The sensations of letting go seem to overtake the worry. A wonderful relaxation starts to sink in as soft, restfulness quietly arrives.

If enough rest occurs, an interesting thing happens next. The creative juices start to flow. From that dreamy relaxed state, ideas pop in and new creative connections start to be made. It is effortless. It is as though the tank gets full and as it overflows, our natural creativity kicks in. I’ve had this happen in good acupuncture sessions as well. I imagine it happens anywhere that we connect deeply with the wellspring of what nourishes us.

We live in a world that teaches us to drive ourselves hard - to do your best or someone else will do it for you. “No pain, no gain” has been a kind of shorthand for whether something is worthwhile or worth doing. This has had an impact on all of us, whether we want to admit it or not.

As I teach my curriculum in grounding and healthy boundaries it is not uncommon for students to tell me their family message growing up was “If you listen to your body or consciously choose to take care of yourself – you are being selfish or self-centered.”

And yet, they are often in the course because of the burnout results of “running on empty.” On top of that, they often feel guilty for the times they do take care of themselves!

Yet research bears this out.

“The longer you work, the less efficient you are,” said Bob Kustka, the founder of Fusion Factor, a productivity and time-management consulting firm in Norwell, Mass. He says workers are like athletes in that they are most efficient in concentrated bursts. Elite athletes “play a set of tennis, a down of football or an inning of baseball and have a pause in between,” he says. Working energy, like physical energy, “is best used in spurts where we work hard on a few focused activities and then take a brief respite,” he says.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I don’t listen to my internal needs, I eventually fall on my face with exhaustion. I don’t do my best work when I am running on empty. The people I normally love start to irritate me, and life is, honestly, a drag.

Frequently when I am teaching someone will ask, “Do you still get bodywork, Suzanne? (inference being that I shouldn’t need bodywork anymore!?!?) And, how much bodywork do you get?” For some strange reason, people always look shocked when I answer, “I try to get some kind of hands-on work every week. Sometimes more than that if my work schedule is heavy or I can arrange an extra session.” Life is too short to miss this great stuff we do for others.

So I hereby declare Eileen Caddy’s words, “Live and work but do not forget to play, to have fun in life and really enjoy it” to be my guiding principle as I continue to go for healthy balance in my own life. And as I keep that balance, my therapeutic presence grows and I get to continue to “walk my talk” with my clients and students. Sounds like a win-win to me. What do you think?